And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
