just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
