Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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