bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
