I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
