he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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