I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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