I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.