we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!