I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
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She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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