I heard we made out
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
