i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
