I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Randomize
