dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
