A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
