Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
