the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
