Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
