Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
