Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
