You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
