Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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