dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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