I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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