You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You need Xanax blowdarts
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
