He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
