OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
