atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
