this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
