So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
