shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
