Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My dick has a subreddit
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
