Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
