There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
