My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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