you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
