I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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