Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
