My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Farmville is her only friend.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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