My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
