She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
