In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
