Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
