someone threw a dead crab at me
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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