Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
