He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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