I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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