I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
