We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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