So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
