I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
