an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
