how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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