I think my fart just growled at me.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
