Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
