doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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