last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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