You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.