yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
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Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
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Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?