how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
