I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
