Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
