You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
